Sometimes I feel really angry when I think about the autism in our lives. But if time has taught me anything it is that spending too much time in the anger of it all does not do any good. The angry is such a lonely place to live. The angry is sad and isolating. The angry cannot look forward. It is frozen in the present.
And one day we decided we just did not want to live there anymore. Sometimes the present is just too hard. Sometimes all we have is the promise of a new day. A fresh start.
It is ironic that autism exists on a spectrum. Because my acceptance of autism exists on a spectrum too. It is not yes or no. it is not love or hate. It is not up or down. It is everything. Every emotion. Every state of mind. Every state of grief. It is a little bit of everything I have ever felt to every degree and every magnitude.
It is good things and beautiful moments. It is bad things and hard moments. It is feeling isolated from the world around us. It is feeling embraced and welcomed by the people we encounter. It is learning to find hope in the smallest gains. It is learning to recover from devastating set-backs. It is overcoming obstacles, only to start again. It is celebrating wins. Preparing for loss. It is agility in a way that I never thought I would need to be agile. It is being prepared in any moment for anything autism might throw our way.
Autism acceptance exists on a spectrum; and in a way I think we all live on our own spectrum.
A spectrum of hope and fear. A spectrum of dreams and reality. A spectrum of progress and setbacks. A spectrum of who we want to be and who we are.
The time in my life since my son’s diagnosis has changed me. There are things that I see in the way I live my life every single day. And there are other things, bigger things, that I am only beginning to understand. And while there have certainly been obstacles along the way; I understand that this is all a part of my journey.
And today, I want to say words to you that I could not have said at the beginning of this journey. In some ways, I am thankful for the autism in our lives.
I am thankful every day for the gift of motherhood. I am thankful for both of my sons and their unique and untiring spirits. I am thankful for the strength I have found along this journey. Thankful that day by day I believe in myself a little more. In my ability to navigate this journey. To embrace this journey.
I am thankful for the perspective gained raising a child with a special need. I am thankful that I can see the things in my life that are truly value. That day by day we learn a little more about the things that just don’t matter. I am thankful for the understanding my son’s diagnosis has given me. The patience. I am thankful that I have learned to see the joy in even the simplest of moments. I am thankful that I have learned to pick myself up and rise up; time and time again.
I am thankful that I have been given the opportunity to share our journey. To talk about autism in a way that is real. Real and messy and unapologetically authentic. I am thankful for the strength to put our story out there. I am thankful for the healing that comes with that kind of vulnerability. And, I am truly thankful to the people who welcome us. The people who do not pass judgment. The people who seek a deeper understanding of our life. Of this journey.
I am thankful for the people who surround us. The people who pull us out of the isolation. I am thankful for old friends. Friends who have walked alongside us. Friends who have shown forgiveness and understanding in our least graceful moments. I am thankful for new friends. Friends who came into our life after diagnosis and have embraced us without question. I am thankful for our family. For the four of us who live inside of our home. And for the much larger family that surrounds us even when we are not together.
It feels odd to be thankful for autism. It almost feels a little untrue. But I know that autism is all around us. It is in all of the big and little things that surround me. I know that autism has changed me. That it continues to change me a little more each day. It is a piece of me. A piece of my world. And along my spectrum of acceptance and healing I choose to be thankful. I choose to rise above the anger.
Along a journey that allows for very little choice; I choose to be thankful.