A Letter to my Beautiful Boy on his Birthday.

My beautiful, strong boy. I am not sure how it is possible that you are 5 years old.  I blinked my eyes and here we are. And while I sit here is disbelief that 5 years have passed us by, my heart knows that we have lived every single moment of those 5 years.

We have celebrated the wins. We have endured the pain. We have called on each other to be so much more than we thought we would need to be. And one day at a time we have walked this journey.

On May 1, 2012 you entered our world exactly on your due date. Just as scheduled. Just as planned. It was the first and last time you ever did something according to plan.

Well, according to my plan.

The past 5 years have taught me that you are unrelenting in pursuit of your own plan. A trait many might say you got from me. You see your plan so clearly. You approach every moment of life with such a profound courage and conviction. You see the world the way you need it to be. First you see it in your head and then you set out to recreate that world.

I have not seen a single hurdle you are unwilling to climb. A single barrier strong enough to keep your willful spirit at bay. You charge into the world fueled with determination and intention. It is a force to be reckoned with. You, my beautiful boy, are a force to be reckoned with.

Sometimes life is frustrating. You do not understand why things are not always what you need them to be. You push harder. Sometimes watching you push so hard makes me feel proud. And sometimes it makes me feel sad. And sometimes watching you push makes me feel afraid.

Your intensity is unwavering; and that can be hard to watch. Sometimes it is scary.

I want so badly to wrap my arms around you. To tell you that we will try again another day. But, it is hard for you to walk away. It is hard for you to forget. It is hard for you to move forward. You stay frozen in that moment. Until everything is just the way you need it to be.

It is safe to say that you teach me more about life and love every single day. It is also safe to say that I love you a little more every single day.

I love the way your smiles radiates through a room. The way your giggle electrifies the world. I love the way you entertain us with your humor and your sarcasm.

I love your intuition. Your instincts. Sometimes I watch you on the trail of a discovery and I am amazed a just how well you read every situation you encounter. The way you walk into the room and immediately catalogue everything around you. The way you respond when something is off. The way you explore and investigate. The way you arrive at timely and thoughtful conclusions.

I love your unrelenting spirit. Your commitment. Your ability to work an entire room without breaking a sweat.  You are a master negotiator. You know how to close a deal; and you usually come out on top.

I love the way you capture the hearts of everyone around you. The way you captured my heart. The way you capture and recapture my heart every single day.

I wake up every morning and promise myself that I will give you my very best. And I promise that I will empower you to be your very best too. And sometimes we go off-track. Often we are less than perfect. Many times our “best” slips away in the grind of our everyday struggles. But we guide each other back.

Together we have walked this journey through the first 5 years of your life. And together we have learned that perfect is boring. And we, my sweet boy, are anything but boring. We get it wrong. We commit to work a little harder. And through hard work and lots of love we eventually get it right. We are forever a work in progress.

I know that there are more lessons to learn. And more lessons to teach. I know that there is more love to give. And more love to receive. I know that there will be challenges and obstacles. But I also know that there will be big wins. Monumental celebrations. More signs of a journey well-traveled. A life well-lived. A boy well-loved.

I wear each of your birthdays as a badge of honor. A victory won. A step away from the obstacles of the past year. A step forward.

5 years ago I gave you life. And in every moment since then you have given so much wonder and purpose and love to my life. And here we are on the brink of another year. A year that will surely be filled with love and success and surprise and challenge and fear and pain. Because life is all of those things.

Never perfect. Never boring. Just beautiful, messy life. Your life. Happy birthday to my beautiful boy.

Mommy

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